Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount
of the bottom
half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of
many unusual
features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
taken out of
its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into
the
surrounding sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident of
geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it the
'Great
Australian Bight' proving that not only are they covering up
a more
frightening theory, but they can't spell either.
The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status
of the
place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified
as either
continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically,
it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They
can be
divided into three categories: poisonous, odd, and sheep. It
is true that of
the ten most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has
nine of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the nine most
poisonous
arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously
few
snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But
even the
spiders won't go near the sea (see below). Any visitors should
be careful to
check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats
(before
sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very
useful for this
task.
Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the odd)
that are
more dangerous. The creature that injures the most people each
year is the
common wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends
its life
digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night
it comes
out to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat injures people in two ways: first, the animal is indestructible.
Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that
outclass
Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.
Semi-trailers
(road trains) have hit them at high speed, with all nine wheels
on one side,
and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by
snorting,
glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat
becomes an
asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with results that can
be imagined,
but not adequately described.
The second way the wombat injures people relates to its burrowing
behaviour.
If a person happens to put their hand down a wombat hole, the
wombat will
feel the disturbance and think 'Ho! My hole is collapsing!' at
which it will
brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow
with
incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any unfortunate hand
will be
crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the wombat to simply
bear down
harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their
crushed hand
as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered
the
third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't
talk about
it much.
At this point, we would like to mention the platypus, estranged
relative of
the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet,
lays eggs,
detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel,
and has
venemous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all
'typical'
Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.
The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First,
a short
history: some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived
in boats
from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of
them died. The
ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper
place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in,
and spent a lot
of the intervening time making up strange stories.
Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the
north. More
accurately, European convicts were sent over, with a few deranged
and stupid
people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing
to take
account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top
half of the
planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them
died. About
then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves
vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they
can lie, cheat,
steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture, they say)
- whereas all
the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle
of a vast
red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.
Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on an
extended
holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep,
caused by
the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet,
where a person
can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the
core of their
essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking
inside your
boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up
the most
finely-tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal
gift for making
up stories. Be warned.
There is also the matter of the beaches.
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire
world.
Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to
contend with
sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the
bottom of
the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking
out of its
back that will kill you just from the pain) and surfboarders.
However,
watching a beach sunset is worth the risk of all of these.
As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you
would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial,
jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
unless
they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible
problems, they smile disarmingly, and reach for a stick. Major
engineering
feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string,
and mud.
Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the
'Grass is
greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly
proclaim that
Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call
the land
'Oz', 'Godzone' (a verbal contraction of 'God's Own Country')
and 'Best
bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth'. The irritating thing
about this
is they may be right.
There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do
not under
any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless
you are
comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear
a Hawaiian
shirt. Religion and politics are safe topics of conversation
(Australians
don't care too much about either) but sport is a minefield. The
only correct
answer to 'So, howdya' like our country, eh?' is 'Best [insert
your own
regional swear word here] country in the world!'.
It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians
will 'adopt'
you, and on your first night will take you to a pub where Australian
beer is
served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It is a form
of
initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing
hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your
hosts will usually make sure you get home, and wave off any legal
difficulties with 'It's his first time in Australia, so we took
him to the
pub', to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook.
Be sure
to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you
encounter,
adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong
the beer
was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.
Most Australians are now urban dewllers, having discovered the
primary use
of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.
G'Day!
It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
She'll be right.
And down from Kosiosco, where the pine clad ridges raise their
torn and
rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal,
and the white
stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And
where, around
the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and
the rolling
plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word
today, and the
stockmen tell the story of his ride.
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.
We mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong
you think it
is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning.
Do not attempt to use any Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there
are people
nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with
you at all
times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there
is always a
core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.
See also: Deserts: How to die in them,
The Stick - second most useful thing
ever and Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
trees, shrubs,
fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1 - 42. 'The
Last Continent' by Terry
Pratchett